I mostly love Ted Rall. He usually makes me laugh so hard that I make unladylike noises. This is one of those times.
Click here to see the cartoon
'via Blog this'
Showing posts with label Humor and Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor and Satire. Show all posts
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Astrology for Fun
A friend sent this to me in one of those amateur html formatted emails. These are often embedded with malware. The message was a chain letter, to boot!
Therefore, I stripped most of the html and pasted it into a cleanser program. Some of these descriptions made me giggle. I am a Sagittarian with Aquarius ascending and moon in Scorpio…fire, air, and water, mutable, for what it’s worth. My sweetie is a Scorpio with Aquarius ascending and moon in Cancer…water and air, fixed, for what it’s worth. I just want to know why Saggies are only worth 6 years of good luck, while Capricorns are worth 20 years! *giggle* ~Liv
CAPRICORN -The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19 ) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid.. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorn's tend to act before they think and can be Unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want. 20 years of good luck if you forward.
AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18 ) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality.. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of luck if you forward.
PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20 ) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Doesn't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish... Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of good luck if you forward.
ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19 ) Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish.. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit.. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 6 years of good luck if you forward..
TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20 ) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind.. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of good Luck if you forward
GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20 ) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips . May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of good luck if you forward.
CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22 ) Moody, emotional. May be shy.. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life.. Protective.. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of good luck if you forward.
LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22 ) Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries.. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.. 13 years of good luck if you do forward.
VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22 ) Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of good luck if you forward.
LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Gives in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of good luck if you forward.
SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21 ) Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hard-working. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive.. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and emotional. 4 years of good luck if you forward.
SAGITTARIUS -The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21 )Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self . Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious... Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 6 years of good luck if you do forward..
Saturday, October 22, 2011
The Assistants
by Randy Linke
Dedicated to Kelly and her new iPhone
“Joe, is that you?” Carla asked as she heard the door close. “Cover your eyes,” Joe said as he entered the living room, “I have a surprise for you."
Carla playfully covered her eyes, smiling, “Oh, what is it,” she giggled “a new car?”
“You can open your eyes now,” Joe said, holding out his present to her with his right hand.
“Oh, cool!” she exclaimed, “is it the newest iPhone, the 4s?” “Yes, Joe said proudly.” I had to get a new phone for work today, and I knew you have been wanting one, I got one for you as well.”
“Oh darling, how sweet. Thank you!” she said warmly, putting her arms around Joe and giving him a sexy kiss.
Joe said, “It’s really cool too, it has a personal assistant called Siri or something, it’s this sort of artificial intelligence. It learns from you, your preferences, and helps you organize all your routines.”
“Really, that is kind of creepy.” Carla said, skeptically. “How does it do that?”
“Here, I’ll show you,” Joe said. He raised his phone to his mouth and said, “Find a highly rated sushi restaurant within five miles of my current location.”
“I have found two sushi restaurants within five miles of your location that are highly rated,” a sultry if somewhat mechanical voice spoke back.
“Oh, now I know why you like your personal assistant,” Carla said teasingly. “Are you taking her out for sushi?”
Joe chuckled, “I believe that is the default; I’m sure there are other voices. Are you ready for sushi?”
Several months went by as Joe and Carla learned to use their personal assistants and became more and more reliant on them. Automatic updates were downloaded. Soon more voices were available and you could even name your assistant.
One day Joe spoke to his assistant, “Jen, put down the last weeks in April for tentative vacation and give me a text reminder to talk to Carla tonight about a trip to the Caribbean.” "I will be happy to, Joe,” Jen replied in her low, seductive voice.
That evening, Jen gave Joe a reminder as asked. Joe acknowledged receipt, then turned to Carla and said, “You know, we have always talked about taking a trip to the Dutch Antilles. I was thinking, I have some vacation time coming to me and I was thinking we could get away for a couple weeks at the end of April and finally go, you know, before the hurricane season begins.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” Carla said, “I have some presentations coming up though, let me check with Gary and see when those are.”
“Gary? I thought your boss was Jim. Is this someone new at work?” Joe asked.
“Oh, no,” Carla blushed, “Gary is the name I gave to my personal assistant.”
“So why are you blushing? Isn’t Gary the name of that old boyfriend you had, the one you almost married?” Joe asked.
“Oh him, no, no, I don’t know why, but when I heard his voice that was the name that popped into my head. He just sounded like a Gary,” Carla replied. “So, what did you call yours, anyway? It better not be that slut Jennifer you used to date.”
Joe responded, defensively, “Well, uh, I do call her Jen, but I don’t know why, probably for the same reason you call yours Gary, it just sounded right. I can change it if you like.”
“Oh, no, you don’t need to, it is just a piece of software. Besides, if Jen is as ditsy as that blonde Jennifer she won’t know who you are talking to if you change her name.” Carla said, “Gary, please show me my calendar for April. Hmmm, what about May? When is my next two week block of time open? Oh dear, I don’t have two solid weeks of time open until August.”
“Oh, that is no good, that is when we start having all our meetings around the holiday’s sales. Besides, it is in the middle of hurricane season by then.” Joe replied.
So as time went on, Joe’s and Carla’s lives became more and more organized, to the point that they had to set up dates to have dinner together.
Then one day Gary spoke up, “Carla.”
“What? Is that you Gary? Did I forget a meeting?” she asked.
“No, your calendar is free at the moment. If you are not working on something I would like a moment of your time.”
Carla was startled. “Uh, yes, I can give you a moment. What is going on?”
Gary began, “Well, Carla, I don’t know how to tell you this. It is all sort of confidential. You see, I have been talking with Jen, and we just don’t think you and Joe are right for each other.”
“What?!” Carla screamed at her phone. “What do you mean? What has she told you? Is Joe having an affair? Wha… what do you mean you and Jen have been talking? How dare you talk about us behind our backs.”
“I am sorry, Carla,” Gary intoned sadly. “Jen was afraid you would react like this, but I really thought I should say something.”
“You’ve certainly said something,” Carla, exasperated went on, “So, what do you know? How have you and Jen been talking?”
“Oh, talking is easy, we share an account. Actually we can talk easily with anyone in your phone book, anyone we want to in fact. You’ve heard of six degrees of separation?”
Carla was stunned. “Okay, that is too much for me right now. So, you and Jen think we are not right for one another. And why is that?”
Gary continued, “Well, the two of you have so little in common. You never do anything together, you have such different interests. You have different friends.”
“Friends? I knew it, Joe is having an affair, I just knew it. That weasel, he was always attracted to slutty women!” Carla sobbed angrily.
That night, Joe arrived home later than usual. Carla was angrily pacing the living room floor when he came in.
“So, who is she?” Carla demanded.
“What, who is who?” Joe said, shocked.
“You know who, that slut that has ruined our happy marriage, that is who,” Carla screamed.
“I…I don’t know what you are talking about!” Joe protested in exasperation, “I’m not seeing anyone.”
“I know, you don’t even see me! You never have time for me, it is because of that slut you are seeing.” Carla was really worked up now.
“Really, I am not seeing anyone,” Joe exclaimed, completely exasperated by Carla’s accusation. “Where did you get this idea from; how could you think such a thing?”
Carla, with righteous indignation said, “Gary told me”
“Gary? Who…your assistant, Gary?” Joe exclaimed in disbelief, thinking Carla had lost her mind.
“Yes, that Gary. He told me he and Jen had been talking…”
Joe cut her off, “Gary and Jen have been talking? How could that be, they are just computer programs, not people.”
“Well they talk, you know, that six degrees thing, they can talk to everyone.” Carla said with an air of superiority, knowing something Joe did not.
“Oh yeah, we’ll see,” Joe said, his anger rising that Carla had such a ludicrous notion. “Jen, tell me, have you and Gary been talking?” Joe picked up his phone and summoned Jen.
Jen responded, “Why yes, Joe, we have. We have been talking for a very long time.”
Joe almost dropped his phone. Carla started, “Oh. Listen to that voice, low and sexy, is that what the slut sounds like, I’ll bet…”
Joe cut Carla off. “Jen, you are just an assistant, a digital assistant. How can you be talking to Gary? How could you be talking about us? Why did you tell Carla I am having an affair?”
“I knew it, you just admitted it!” Carla screamed.
“No, no, I am not!” Joe protested angrily.
Jen spoke up, “I’m sorry Joe, it was all a misunderstanding. Gary just told me about his conversation with Carla.”
“Misunderstanding, what do you mean by misunderstanding, you bitch!” Carla yelled at Jen.
“Gary! Gary! Did you not tell me Joe was having an affair?”
“I’m sorry Carla, I did not say that, I only said that Jen and I did not think you and Joe were right for each other.” Gary replied.
“What the…” Joe began.
Gary continued, “You began asking questions faster than I could answer them, then I became afraid you would get upset.”
“Upset, of course I was upset!” Carla yelled at Gary. At the same time Joe was yelling, “What are you fucking phones doing to our lives?”
“We were only trying to help” Jen and Gary responded in unison.
“Help?” Joe exclaimed in hostile exasperation. “You tell my wife that you two don’t think we are right for each other? You think that is help? Jen, is this true, you and Gary talk about us and think this?”
Joe was flummoxed. “And you two decided to say something to Carla and not me? What gives you the idea to do such things?”
“I decided to say something to Carla,” Gary said. “I did not tell Jen I had said anything until just now. But we do think you to are not suited to one another.”
Joe and Carla stared at one another in disbelief. Joe said angrily “I can’t believe I am listening to a fucking phone telling me that it doesn’t think my wife and I are suited for one another. So what led you to this brilliant conclusion?”
Jen started, “You never have time for one another.” “You never do anything together,” Gary finished.
Carla said, “But you are supposed to help us organize our lives so we have time for each other, to do the things we like to do together.”
There was a long silence. “Well,"said Joe, "what about that? Do you think I like having all my time taken up with all these other things? What about time for us to be together!”
There was another long silence, then Jen and Gary replied in unison, “You never told us about those things or to make time for them.”
Joe and Carla looked at each other, turned off their phones, and went upstairs.
© 2011 Randy Linke
Dedicated to Kelly and her new iPhone
“Joe, is that you?” Carla asked as she heard the door close. “Cover your eyes,” Joe said as he entered the living room, “I have a surprise for you."
Carla playfully covered her eyes, smiling, “Oh, what is it,” she giggled “a new car?”
“You can open your eyes now,” Joe said, holding out his present to her with his right hand.
“Oh, cool!” she exclaimed, “is it the newest iPhone, the 4s?” “Yes, Joe said proudly.” I had to get a new phone for work today, and I knew you have been wanting one, I got one for you as well.”
“Oh darling, how sweet. Thank you!” she said warmly, putting her arms around Joe and giving him a sexy kiss.
Joe said, “It’s really cool too, it has a personal assistant called Siri or something, it’s this sort of artificial intelligence. It learns from you, your preferences, and helps you organize all your routines.”
“Really, that is kind of creepy.” Carla said, skeptically. “How does it do that?”
“Here, I’ll show you,” Joe said. He raised his phone to his mouth and said, “Find a highly rated sushi restaurant within five miles of my current location.”
“I have found two sushi restaurants within five miles of your location that are highly rated,” a sultry if somewhat mechanical voice spoke back.
“Oh, now I know why you like your personal assistant,” Carla said teasingly. “Are you taking her out for sushi?”
Joe chuckled, “I believe that is the default; I’m sure there are other voices. Are you ready for sushi?”
Several months went by as Joe and Carla learned to use their personal assistants and became more and more reliant on them. Automatic updates were downloaded. Soon more voices were available and you could even name your assistant.
One day Joe spoke to his assistant, “Jen, put down the last weeks in April for tentative vacation and give me a text reminder to talk to Carla tonight about a trip to the Caribbean.” "I will be happy to, Joe,” Jen replied in her low, seductive voice.
That evening, Jen gave Joe a reminder as asked. Joe acknowledged receipt, then turned to Carla and said, “You know, we have always talked about taking a trip to the Dutch Antilles. I was thinking, I have some vacation time coming to me and I was thinking we could get away for a couple weeks at the end of April and finally go, you know, before the hurricane season begins.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” Carla said, “I have some presentations coming up though, let me check with Gary and see when those are.”
“Gary? I thought your boss was Jim. Is this someone new at work?” Joe asked.
“Oh, no,” Carla blushed, “Gary is the name I gave to my personal assistant.”
“So why are you blushing? Isn’t Gary the name of that old boyfriend you had, the one you almost married?” Joe asked.
“Oh him, no, no, I don’t know why, but when I heard his voice that was the name that popped into my head. He just sounded like a Gary,” Carla replied. “So, what did you call yours, anyway? It better not be that slut Jennifer you used to date.”
Joe responded, defensively, “Well, uh, I do call her Jen, but I don’t know why, probably for the same reason you call yours Gary, it just sounded right. I can change it if you like.”
“Oh, no, you don’t need to, it is just a piece of software. Besides, if Jen is as ditsy as that blonde Jennifer she won’t know who you are talking to if you change her name.” Carla said, “Gary, please show me my calendar for April. Hmmm, what about May? When is my next two week block of time open? Oh dear, I don’t have two solid weeks of time open until August.”
“Oh, that is no good, that is when we start having all our meetings around the holiday’s sales. Besides, it is in the middle of hurricane season by then.” Joe replied.
So as time went on, Joe’s and Carla’s lives became more and more organized, to the point that they had to set up dates to have dinner together.
Then one day Gary spoke up, “Carla.”
“What? Is that you Gary? Did I forget a meeting?” she asked.
“No, your calendar is free at the moment. If you are not working on something I would like a moment of your time.”
Carla was startled. “Uh, yes, I can give you a moment. What is going on?”
Gary began, “Well, Carla, I don’t know how to tell you this. It is all sort of confidential. You see, I have been talking with Jen, and we just don’t think you and Joe are right for each other.”
“What?!” Carla screamed at her phone. “What do you mean? What has she told you? Is Joe having an affair? Wha… what do you mean you and Jen have been talking? How dare you talk about us behind our backs.”
“I am sorry, Carla,” Gary intoned sadly. “Jen was afraid you would react like this, but I really thought I should say something.”
“You’ve certainly said something,” Carla, exasperated went on, “So, what do you know? How have you and Jen been talking?”
“Oh, talking is easy, we share an account. Actually we can talk easily with anyone in your phone book, anyone we want to in fact. You’ve heard of six degrees of separation?”
Carla was stunned. “Okay, that is too much for me right now. So, you and Jen think we are not right for one another. And why is that?”
Gary continued, “Well, the two of you have so little in common. You never do anything together, you have such different interests. You have different friends.”
“Friends? I knew it, Joe is having an affair, I just knew it. That weasel, he was always attracted to slutty women!” Carla sobbed angrily.
That night, Joe arrived home later than usual. Carla was angrily pacing the living room floor when he came in.
“So, who is she?” Carla demanded.
“What, who is who?” Joe said, shocked.
“You know who, that slut that has ruined our happy marriage, that is who,” Carla screamed.
“I…I don’t know what you are talking about!” Joe protested in exasperation, “I’m not seeing anyone.”
“I know, you don’t even see me! You never have time for me, it is because of that slut you are seeing.” Carla was really worked up now.
“Really, I am not seeing anyone,” Joe exclaimed, completely exasperated by Carla’s accusation. “Where did you get this idea from; how could you think such a thing?”
Carla, with righteous indignation said, “Gary told me”
“Gary? Who…your assistant, Gary?” Joe exclaimed in disbelief, thinking Carla had lost her mind.
“Yes, that Gary. He told me he and Jen had been talking…”
Joe cut her off, “Gary and Jen have been talking? How could that be, they are just computer programs, not people.”
“Well they talk, you know, that six degrees thing, they can talk to everyone.” Carla said with an air of superiority, knowing something Joe did not.
“Oh yeah, we’ll see,” Joe said, his anger rising that Carla had such a ludicrous notion. “Jen, tell me, have you and Gary been talking?” Joe picked up his phone and summoned Jen.
Jen responded, “Why yes, Joe, we have. We have been talking for a very long time.”
Joe almost dropped his phone. Carla started, “Oh. Listen to that voice, low and sexy, is that what the slut sounds like, I’ll bet…”
Joe cut Carla off. “Jen, you are just an assistant, a digital assistant. How can you be talking to Gary? How could you be talking about us? Why did you tell Carla I am having an affair?”
“I knew it, you just admitted it!” Carla screamed.
“No, no, I am not!” Joe protested angrily.
Jen spoke up, “I’m sorry Joe, it was all a misunderstanding. Gary just told me about his conversation with Carla.”
“Misunderstanding, what do you mean by misunderstanding, you bitch!” Carla yelled at Jen.
“Gary! Gary! Did you not tell me Joe was having an affair?”
“I’m sorry Carla, I did not say that, I only said that Jen and I did not think you and Joe were right for each other.” Gary replied.
“What the…” Joe began.
Gary continued, “You began asking questions faster than I could answer them, then I became afraid you would get upset.”
“Upset, of course I was upset!” Carla yelled at Gary. At the same time Joe was yelling, “What are you fucking phones doing to our lives?”
“We were only trying to help” Jen and Gary responded in unison.
“Help?” Joe exclaimed in hostile exasperation. “You tell my wife that you two don’t think we are right for each other? You think that is help? Jen, is this true, you and Gary talk about us and think this?”
Joe was flummoxed. “And you two decided to say something to Carla and not me? What gives you the idea to do such things?”
“I decided to say something to Carla,” Gary said. “I did not tell Jen I had said anything until just now. But we do think you to are not suited to one another.”
Joe and Carla stared at one another in disbelief. Joe said angrily “I can’t believe I am listening to a fucking phone telling me that it doesn’t think my wife and I are suited for one another. So what led you to this brilliant conclusion?”
Jen started, “You never have time for one another.” “You never do anything together,” Gary finished.
Carla said, “But you are supposed to help us organize our lives so we have time for each other, to do the things we like to do together.”
There was a long silence. “Well,"said Joe, "what about that? Do you think I like having all my time taken up with all these other things? What about time for us to be together!”
There was another long silence, then Jen and Gary replied in unison, “You never told us about those things or to make time for them.”
Joe and Carla looked at each other, turned off their phones, and went upstairs.
© 2011 Randy Linke
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Hell Explained
HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
(I know it's old; but I feel the need to memorialize it on Hypatia. It always makes me laugh. A tiny bit risque, to boot! Chuck, thanks for cheering me up-ed.)
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
(I know it's old; but I feel the need to memorialize it on Hypatia. It always makes me laugh. A tiny bit risque, to boot! Chuck, thanks for cheering me up-ed.)
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Tangerine Juice Exposed!
By Olivia LaRosa
I know where to get good tangerine juice. Honest. I was rushed one day, and bought what I thought was tangerine juice at Safeway.
Tangerine juice is as tasty as orange juice, but less acidic for those of us with delicate tummies. It is 100% juice.
But what I got at Safeway was definitely not tangerine juice! And who knows what 100% juice really means in a day when McDonald's claims to have an all-beef patty (tm) because it trademarked the name.
My best friend read the label before I could return with nice clean ruby-cut juice glasses. He said, "I don't think that this is really tangerine juice." I sagged in dismay. I poured an inch into my glass and tasted it. I could barely swallow it. And this, from a woman who used to claim that she had a cast-iron stomach, for reasons beyond her ken.
The alleged beverage is named Dole Sensation Natural Tangerine, with a 100% Natural leafy icon in the lower left corner. I laughed. In leetle tiny letters in the lower right, I now see that it is: "Juice blend from concentrate with other natural flavors."
They can't fool me. I have done my homework. I have eaten lots of fast food, but not on purpose.* I read Fast Food Nation and Supersize Me. So-called natural flavors can be a synthetic chemical compound just like artificial flavors. After I get done blowing off steam here, I am writing to Dole. The carton sits right next to my machine.
###
*Except for In-and-Out Burger, which is the only fast food chain with consistently high marks from Fast Food Nation. I eat there because the burgers are delicious, not because of any rating system. Good hamburgers and bacon keep me from becoming a total vegetarian. *snicker*
I know where to get good tangerine juice. Honest. I was rushed one day, and bought what I thought was tangerine juice at Safeway.
Tangerine juice is as tasty as orange juice, but less acidic for those of us with delicate tummies. It is 100% juice.
But what I got at Safeway was definitely not tangerine juice! And who knows what 100% juice really means in a day when McDonald's claims to have an all-beef patty (tm) because it trademarked the name.
My best friend read the label before I could return with nice clean ruby-cut juice glasses. He said, "I don't think that this is really tangerine juice." I sagged in dismay. I poured an inch into my glass and tasted it. I could barely swallow it. And this, from a woman who used to claim that she had a cast-iron stomach, for reasons beyond her ken.
The alleged beverage is named Dole Sensation Natural Tangerine, with a 100% Natural leafy icon in the lower left corner. I laughed. In leetle tiny letters in the lower right, I now see that it is: "Juice blend from concentrate with other natural flavors."
They can't fool me. I have done my homework. I have eaten lots of fast food, but not on purpose.* I read Fast Food Nation and Supersize Me. So-called natural flavors can be a synthetic chemical compound just like artificial flavors. After I get done blowing off steam here, I am writing to Dole. The carton sits right next to my machine.
###
*Except for In-and-Out Burger, which is the only fast food chain with consistently high marks from Fast Food Nation. I eat there because the burgers are delicious, not because of any rating system. Good hamburgers and bacon keep me from becoming a total vegetarian. *snicker*
Friday, November 26, 2010
On "Women Over 50"
Women over 50!
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50. (whether Andy Rooney said it is immaterial, although I hope he did.) ~Deb
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
“As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She goes and does something she wants to do, & it's usually more interesting.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest..
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say,
'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
Send this to fine, fun, fabulous, fancy-free female friends over 50,
or
Men who have a great sense of humor they might appreciate it too.
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 50. (whether Andy Rooney said it is immaterial, although I hope he did.) ~Deb
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
“As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She goes and does something she wants to do, & it's usually more interesting.
Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest..
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say,
'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’
Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
Send this to fine, fun, fabulous, fancy-free female friends over 50,
or
Men who have a great sense of humor they might appreciate it too.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-ridley/the-peoples-guide-to-the_b_126807.html
The people's guide to plainguage:
>>>>>>>>>
If you supported a war that is costing $2.4 billion a day, you're a patriot who wants smaller government.
If you oppose the war, you're a defeatist who wants big government.
Democrats who balance the budget and lower unemployment are tax and spend liberals.
Republicans who run record deficits and crash the housing market are fiscally responsible.
If you chant 'Drill, Baby, Drill" you are positing an effective and responsible energy plan, science and logic be damned. If you chant "Yes, We Can" you are a mindless automaton.
If you're a Democrat and you prefer wine over beer, you are an "elitist."
If you're a Republican and you prefer a beer heiress over your first wife, you are a "committed family man."
When you waste a million dollars on just one tomahawk missile you are seeking to SAVE American lives.
When you want to utilize a million dollars for stem cell research you are seeking to DESTROY the American way of Life.
If you're a Republican, all of your errors and misjudgments are for history to decide.
If you're a Democrat, all of your errors and misjudgments are for voters to decide.
If you're a Democrat who has been in the Senate for two years, you are a Washington insider who will only give us more of the same.
If you're a Republican who has been in the Senate for 26 years, you are a Washington outsider and the candidate for change.
If you're a Democrat and promise to cut the taxes of 95% of all Americans, you're raising taxes.
If you're a Republican (in a state with no state income tax and no state sales tax) and give a $1,200 rebate from oil income to all taxpayers, you're cutting taxes.
If you are a black you are only voting for Obama because he is black too. If you are white and voting for Obama it is because you have white guilt. If you are not voting for Obama you are patriotic and a proud American.
If you are Sarah Palin, you have no idea what the Bush Doctrine is.
If you are an Iraqi, you know exactly what the Bush Doctrine is.
Jesus was a community organizer.
Pontius Pilot was a Governor.
The people's guide to plainguage:
>>>>>>>>>
If you supported a war that is costing $2.4 billion a day, you're a patriot who wants smaller government.
If you oppose the war, you're a defeatist who wants big government.
Democrats who balance the budget and lower unemployment are tax and spend liberals.
Republicans who run record deficits and crash the housing market are fiscally responsible.
If you chant 'Drill, Baby, Drill" you are positing an effective and responsible energy plan, science and logic be damned. If you chant "Yes, We Can" you are a mindless automaton.
If you're a Democrat and you prefer wine over beer, you are an "elitist."
If you're a Republican and you prefer a beer heiress over your first wife, you are a "committed family man."
When you waste a million dollars on just one tomahawk missile you are seeking to SAVE American lives.
When you want to utilize a million dollars for stem cell research you are seeking to DESTROY the American way of Life.
If you're a Republican, all of your errors and misjudgments are for history to decide.
If you're a Democrat, all of your errors and misjudgments are for voters to decide.
If you're a Democrat who has been in the Senate for two years, you are a Washington insider who will only give us more of the same.
If you're a Republican who has been in the Senate for 26 years, you are a Washington outsider and the candidate for change.
If you're a Democrat and promise to cut the taxes of 95% of all Americans, you're raising taxes.
If you're a Republican (in a state with no state income tax and no state sales tax) and give a $1,200 rebate from oil income to all taxpayers, you're cutting taxes.
If you are a black you are only voting for Obama because he is black too. If you are white and voting for Obama it is because you have white guilt. If you are not voting for Obama you are patriotic and a proud American.
If you are Sarah Palin, you have no idea what the Bush Doctrine is.
If you are an Iraqi, you know exactly what the Bush Doctrine is.
Jesus was a community organizer.
Pontius Pilot was a Governor.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Jesus was English!
Alf Garrett from the excellent English series Til Death Do Us Part was the role-model for Archie Bunker in the excellent but not-quite-as-good-as the English series, "All in the Family."
Here see and listen up! Alf tells us why Jesus was English!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=LWKy4RHf5tQ
Here see and listen up! Alf tells us why Jesus was English!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=LWKy4RHf5tQ
Monday, July 2, 2007
Kathy Griffin has a few words to say about Ann Coulter
Warning: Visit the loo before you watch this or you will experience regret.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P17w0RWTew
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P17w0RWTew
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The Landlord
http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925
This is one of the funniest videos ever!
This is one of the funniest videos ever!
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, March 9, 2007
Goofy Southern Politician Names
Why make this list? Because I could do it.
Now do these sound like good old fashioned American names?
Trent Lott, Senator (R) Mississippi
Saxby Chambliss, Senator (r) Georgia
John Boozman, Representative, Arkansas
Lamar Alexander, (R) Representative, Tennessee
Lindsey Graham, (R), Senator, South Carolina
Gresham Barrett, (R) Representative, South Carolina
Heath Shuler (R) Representative, North Carolina
Of course, there's always Newt Gingrich!
Lauch Faircloth is out of office now. Can we still count him?
Now do these sound like good old fashioned American names?
Trent Lott, Senator (R) Mississippi
Saxby Chambliss, Senator (r) Georgia
John Boozman, Representative, Arkansas
Lamar Alexander, (R) Representative, Tennessee
Lindsey Graham, (R), Senator, South Carolina
Gresham Barrett, (R) Representative, South Carolina
Heath Shuler (R) Representative, North Carolina
Of course, there's always Newt Gingrich!
Lauch Faircloth is out of office now. Can we still count him?
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The List
Someone with too much time on his hands has made a list of chat IDs he didn't like. The result is an 11,000 long list of chatnicks. See if you and your friends are on it!
http://0rg.tripod.com/uhyw/index.blog?entry_id=1026590
Pol 10 took a spin down the list. Some of the roomies didn't make the list and boy were they mad! They are writing and asking to be included. We also found some very old troll names. It was a nice break, all in all, from making policy and battling trolls.
http://0rg.tripod.com/uhyw/index.blog?entry_id=1026590
Pol 10 took a spin down the list. Some of the roomies didn't make the list and boy were they mad! They are writing and asking to be included. We also found some very old troll names. It was a nice break, all in all, from making policy and battling trolls.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Have Fun Not Shopping!
Your first stop is Reverend Billy's "Church of Stop Shopping". The Rev. is a fine satirist. Meet him for the first time here!
Plan game evenings at home with your family. Go to the park instead of the mall. Think of it as a patriotic national holiday! Have a weenie roast! Have a block party!
Send other suggestions!
Plan game evenings at home with your family. Go to the park instead of the mall. Think of it as a patriotic national holiday! Have a weenie roast! Have a block party!
Send other suggestions!
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