Friends

On Tue, Nov 23, 2010 at 5:52 PM, Jennifer Van Bergen  wrote:

Deb,
I know how terrible tooth infections can be and you have been suffering from an infection in ALL of the top ones?! And must have them ALL pulled? AND a hurt (?) ankle. Terrible, terrible you have to go through all this, but at least you will get these things taken care of and will heal.

Funny what you say about being decrepit and over-committed. I may have mentioned to you what Matt said during the trip, since our health problems made very loud appearances in us both. He said he thought that instead of looking for property for 12GI, maybe we should look for a nursing home.

Haha.  Handi want both a cooperative living space and our own space, which we quite adequately fill, as long as it has a workshop :)  We could have a nursing home with wood and metal shop, a printing and publishing operation, communal kitchen, auditorium, and comfy individual units.  I have drawn several plans.  My most recent creation is a snail house.  People are afraid to have me draw it. *snicker*

Also, funny because when I first read that phrase (decrepit, etc.), I thought you meant everyone on the list (to which you didn't post)! And maybe you are unwittingly correct! At least exhausted and over-committed. 

There's something about you that I love very much, Deb, and always have and have never told you. I really love your innocent perspicaciousness. You're so smart (in ways I'm not) and strong in ways I really admire, but you're also sweet and innocent at the same time. Your Midwest (sounds like Minnesota to me) accent emphasizes this, altho I felt it before I ever heard your voice (and if someone just heard you and hadn't discussed with you or read your words, they might mistake you for something less, because you sound so young and innocent).

I am so deeply touched by what you said about me.

Good ideas for 12Gen and the church. Funny, too, cuz Matt also said we ought to establish it as a religion! Then he moved onto "why not a cult"? LOL!

As you may know, that's how scientology started.  Rather, I propose a religion based upon human values, human rights, and human aspirations.

I told you, didn't I, about my brilliant promotional idea? To write a book of clues. Or a treasure map for people to follow. Or a code for readers to break. 

One thing we discussed was whether this might make it so popular, it would get out of control.
Anyway, would you please post something on the 12GI ning site about your idea? There are a few people on there who have NO clue what archetypes work is, but they joined for some reason, so ....  Actually, come to think of it, maybe I should just go ahead and subscribe some people to the 12GI yahoogroup (letting them know in advance so they can object if they really need to). That way, if you (or someone else) posted a suggestion or subject of discussion, others might even be inspired to respond. Who knows?! 

There's a vacuum in the center of the world right now - a black hole - that is sucking everything into it, all people of conscience and intelligence and wit, all goodness and will power, all inspiration, all love. What is to become of us?

I am frightened by this trend.  I am also heartened to have found so many sisters and brothers.
Peace and love,
~Deb

Pneumonia: Don't Get It

X did his best to take care of me, but finally he became unhinged. I fled the home with what I could manage to load after booking a hotel room on April 19th. Why?  I had been ill with pneumonia for 12 days, but there was nowhere in the house where I could rest.

X made immense amounts of noise, and ran up and down the hallway several times an hour.  The mattress in the spare bedroom, where I had started sleeping as my illness worsened, was soaked.  The master suite bedroom featured the loud, irregular clanking of an overhead dryer vent.  To add insult to injury, the living room couch, my last resort, was not linked properly, so I fell into the inevitable hole between sections.

I started coughing up arterial blood on Sunday the 21st.

I waited until after I saw the doctor and got test results before I called X so he wouldn't get too upset. So I called him on Monday night and left a message.  He called back and said he was glad I finally got treatment. I could not do much more than make it into the kitchen for food.  I went to the grocery store a couple of times, in ten minute increments.

A few days later, he showed up and asked me what I was going to cook him for dinner.

It got lots worse after that.

We broke up on August 23, 2011.

a humble request from a grandma

Dear Mrs. T.,

My granddaughter [Katrina] had just turned 13 when she passed away after waging a valiant year-long battle against lymphoma. It took her life in July 2006.

I cry as I write this. Her death left a gaping hole in my life that can never be filled. Nevertheless, I have finally found the strength to make this request. I am writing, because I could not articulate this request over the phone.

I hope to recover some memories of [Katrina] with your cooperation. She has two younger brothers who will want to know more about the big sister they viewed as their “little mommie.” She was 5 years and 7 years older than her brothers, respectively.

I would be gratified if you could ask your students to write about their memories of [Katrina.] Even a sentence would do. I want to collect this for her brothers and for all those who loved her. I made a website not long after her passing, [redacted] and hope to post some of the recollections there, with the permission of the authors. Authors should assume confidentiality unless they request that their names be published.

The principal at the Middle School shared my sorrow and referred to her as a “neat kid” when we spoke soon afterward. Those who saw her during her illness always noted her bravery and cheerfulness.

Over 200 mourners attended her funeral in the small town where she grew up.

I hope that some of her classmates are still available. She would have entered 8th grade in August of 2006.

Kindly allow me to start off with two anecdotes that may impart a sense of the importance of this matter to me.

• We all miss [Katrina's] ever-ready quips. She made us giggle. I smile when I remember how she would roll her eyes before delivering a line.
• When [Katrina] was four years old, she was playing "restaurant" with the family on Christmas Day, and was taking orders from great-grandparents on down. She "wrote" each order on a little pad. My father ordered a hamburger and asked for tomato. Krista pertly informed him, "You can't have tomatoes. I don't like them."
• [Katrina] secretly wanted to marry Harry Potter. She read the whole series over and over, with more intensity each time, for at least two years. [Katrina] yearned to play the role of Hermione when she learned the "Harry Potter" filmmakers has begun casting. She was devastated to learn that they were only casting Britons, but she understood why.

I read your profile on the THS website and am glad that you are the Principal. I served as the Elementary School Librarian at Valley Elementary for 3 years. It was my favorite job of all time.

Best regards,

beware what you envy…and what demons it will arouse

A Mr. Richard Fader from New Jersey writes:

Dear Olivia LaRosaLaRosa,

I have been exchanging Facebook messages with a nice person who has not been apprised of the highlights of my life since 1975. She recently said that she envied me being a grandma.

I thought that I would be in heaven when I was a grandma. I have not been in heaven.  Oh, often, I have been in heaven when playing with my grandchildren.  It is a unique relationship.  I have never regretted the new life I helped to create way back when I didn’t know what I was doing. I have never regretted the abortion I had to have, either. I had two children already and I was their sole support. I couldn’t take off work to have another baby.  My husband had left us. There was no maternity leave.  I had already-living people to protect.

My grandchildren are my heart. Everything I have consciously done since the birth of my granddaughter in 1993 has been with their long-term benefit in mind.

When people envy me, they do not know that my daughter gave birth to my granddaughter with a man most categorize as seriously mentally ill. My daughter is not well herself.

When my granddaughter was stricken with lymphoma, their first and constant reaction was not to save her life, but to make sure that I couldn’t stop them from letting her die.  She was just 13.

Her brothers, my grandsons, were stricken in more ways than one can imagine. My granddaughter was 5 years older than they, and their little mother. She doted on them.

I stay away now. I do not want anything bad to happen to those two grandsons.

My son has an adorable little son named Julian. Julian is loaded with charisma. He is as sweet as can be. Even-tempered and as reasonable as a two-year-old can be.  He lives on the other side of the continent. I see him when I can.  His mama and daddy appreciate my presence in his life.

Dear Mr. Fader,

Well, it just goes to show ya…

Life Events on the Major Stressor Scale c. 2011

2010 Review
January 2010
X's father becomes gravely ill. X goes to his bedside.
February 2010
Father of X passes away in early February.  X stops looking at me and pretends I am not in the room. I ask him about it and he says that he's really busy and so on.  I agree. He apologizes for being distracted and I say that I understand.
March 2010
My only aunt passed away after a dreadful illness that left us gasping in horror at her slow, savage demise.  I went to my cousins' and stayed with them before and after.  I used to send her, "to my Favorite Aunt" cards for decades. Ten years ago, she pointed out to me that she was my ONLY aunt.  We laughed, a lot. My cousin's son's wedding was held three days after her death. It was too late to move it.
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
Charly tells me he doesn't have much time left.
July 2010
X and I go to his mother's home to see him and to gather his intellectual property on his Project to Enforce the Geneva Conventions.
Charly passes on July 14
August 2010
September 2010
I pointed out to X and my business partner that I had no time to take care of my personal business. Instead of helping me, there was a big fight.
October 2010
My right ankle ceased to function.  I had to get a motel in San Francisco because it hurt too badly to drive the 60 miles home.
November 2010
I need upper dentures.
December 2010
I have ankle surgery on Dec. 1
I have all my upper teeth pulled and an immediate denture inserted on Dec. 6
I came down with a bad case of the flu on Dec. 9

January 2011

• Recovered slowly from the trifecta of leg surgery, complete upper tooth extraction, and a nasty case of the flu. Whenever the weather was nice, I would walk. 

February 2011

• My long-delayed trip to see my son and his family in North Carolina finally came about mid-February. It was a nice trip. I had a great time with my little grandson, his mama, and my son. They are always very patient with me when I visit.  Things like this sometimes happen: 
• Automobile totalled: On the night before my trip back to California, a crazy man came up to my son's front door. He had crashed into my fortuitously empty, legally-parked rental car and totalled it. It was so badly totalled that it could not be towed by a regular tow-truck. It only had 500 miles on the odometer. I nearly missed my flight home due to the logistical difficulties the next day.
• Left knee became unusable: This happens to me often, due to an old (football injury) auto accident, or MVA, as they call it in doctorland.  It was excruciating. I did physical therapy at home for a couple of weeks.  When that did not ease the painful stab/ache combo, I sought medical treatment. 

March 2011

• I broke my nose because my left knee collapsed. I fell on my face.  When I told X what had happened and showed him the foot-wide blood stain on the concrete, he shrugged.  He never asked me how my nose was. 
• My kneecap was dislocated.  
• Medical Doctor listened to my knee symptoms and mocked them. My primary physician got me a new specialist within days. I got treatment, but I had now been immobilized by pain for 6 weeks. 

April 2011

• My knee improved.
• April 7:  I became terribly ill while on a business trip.  I called X and asked him if I should stay away.  He told me to come home. I drove home. I was violently ill with chills and fever, nausea and vomiting, and excruciating body pain. Two weeks later,  I had to leave home because X, although well-intentioned, was unable to stand the pressure of caring for me.  He made constant noise and saw to my comfort only grudgingly. He should have taken me to the hospital.  Because:

• I had pneumonia.
• I had to leave home and check myself into a hotel while running a temperature because X was freaking out, two weeks into my illness. I moved into The Sweetwater Cottage two days later. I was able to pack enough so that I could sleep comfortably, and cook. 
• I start coughing up blood.
• I got treatment for my pneumonia, but it would be two months before I appeared normal to those who knew me. It was nice on the property. More than 20 trees adorn the half-acre. The air was filled with birdsong. I felt filled with lead. I slept 16 hours a day.

May 2011

• X came to the property several days later, changed things around he didn't like, sat down, leaned back, and asked me what I was cooking him for dinner.  

July 2011

• Two days before X's homewarming party, X hired a crew to "trim" the score of trees on the property.  They instead wreaked havoc on them, destroying most of our shade and despoiling an ancient bird habitat home to dozens of species.  I cried.  The next morning, when I awoke, all the birdsong was gone. I cried some more.  
• Repairing an electrical malfunction cost us four days of preparation time, but X said he was too tired to help me during the three-day run-up to the party. So I did all the shopping, cleaning and arranging by myself.  Anything that X did, he did so grudgingly. The party was a roaring success.  People asked us to have another one.  I asked X if I could hire help for the next one. 
• Three days after the party, X asked me to help him install a heavy piece of equipment.  His reckless movements resulted in the equipment landing on my left hand.  The first three days were hell.  Then the pain began to subside and I realized that the bones were not broken; they were crushed.  So I wrapped the fingers in adhesive tape, and pressed on.  Typing caused me pain for a couple of months. Knowing me, you know that my life comes out through my fingers and onto the keyboard. 

August 2011

• Crushed bones in right hand and wrist. X struck me with a 2x4 while I was holding another 2x4, which crushes bones in my wrist and hand; after which
• X does not help me even though I can't use either hand well. When I asked for help, he got peevish. 
• My relationship with X ends; he says that he doesn't feel free.   I don't buy his argument because he is dating 3 other women at the time with my consent and without inconveniencing me. Nevertheless I acquiesce because I have decided that we should not spend time together any more.  It is dangerous to my health.

September 2011

• A visit to family reveals that my uncle is dying and some of the people associated with this are out of touch with reality, and I mean that in a bad way.  I worry that one of my relatives is psychotic.  

October 2011

• Going crazy still living on X's property, looked for apartments in a 200-square mile area that will do as far as rent and space.

November 2011

• Moving to Oakland apartment, one van-load at a time.  Every day is a better day!  The work is hard, but I am able to organize as I unpack. 
• Am completing a project that I started in October 2009.

I Outta Be Dead!

Most of you know about The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, but perhaps not by that name. You may have seen it posted in an office, or on a friend's wall, or at your doctor's office.

 The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale is commonly known as Major Life Stressors.

 0-150 You're cruisin'

 150-300 You're at some risk for serious illness

 300+ You are at imminent risk for serious illness; here are some practices that may help you lower your stress level.

632 Me

So, the good news is, I am alive and kicking! I am moving to my own place in the East Bay next week. Finally I will be free of having to live with codependent people.

My primary relationship rule, friend or lover: We will hang out together exactly as long as we look forward to seeing one another, and not one moment longer. This protects both of us, but mainly ME, from facing the prospect of enduring the anguish of trying to understand someone else's passive-aggressive behavior.

There is no bad news.